79 Thoughts I Had Whilst Watching Creep

*many many spoilers ahead*

 

I’ve been steadily gearing up to this moment all week. The moment has finally come. I’m going to watch an Actual Horror Movie. A film that is kept in the ‘horror’ section in HMV (I checked). Honestly I’m not sure I’m ready. But, recently I’m finding that I like films with a scary element to them. At first, it felt like I was embracing my childhood emo self, but I think I actually like that they make me feel something. I often say that my favourite genre of books is the ones that make me feel emotions, whatever genre they might otherwise find themselves categorised into. I’m a person that feels a lot of different emotions on a very large scale on a daily basis (yay emotionally unstable personality disorder) and these books – and now films – manage to bring my emotive level down a little. Call it catharsis. Aristotle did. Anyway, I digress.

 

Full disclosure, I did what I do before watching a new series of American Horror Story (another case in point) and googled the full synopsis before watching. That way, no major jump-scares can catch me out, and I’ll roughly know what’s gonna happen. Saying that, I still fast-forwarded through some scenes in this film because UGH.

 

I thought I’d take you along for the ride with me, so here is my unfiltered stream-of-consciousness review of Creep, available to watch on Netflix if you dare.

 

 

 

  1. Of course, it’s gonna be a found-footage from a hand-held camera kinda film. Grand.
  2. There’s going to be jump-scares, so many of them. I can just tell.
  3. Zoom in on the axe lying on the stranger’s front lawn. The stranger who hired you, young camera-man Mr. Aaron, for a day, to film his ‘life’ with no other information. Focusing on the axe is smart. And also, just really basic, boringly obvious foreshadowing. Now I know the axe will be used later in the film. Like Chekhov says, ‘If you have a gun hanging on the wall in Act 1, it must go off by Act 3’.
  4. And jump-scare one!
  5. ‘You have a nice kind face’. Right, thank you creepy man, I think I’m going to leave now.
  6. I mean, I’d run away if a stranger hugged me twice within 5 minutes.
  7. Even if they were paying me.
  8. But of course, Aaron doesn’t run away as that wouldn’t make for a very good or long enough film.
  9. Bloody Hell, who has a creepy Halloween wolf mask called Peach Fuzz just hanging in their coat closet??? This fucking creepy man, apparently.
  10. Now he’s put the mask on and is dancing for the camera and it is THE most terrifying shit I have ever seen in my life.
  11. I can tell this mask is going to come back later.
  12. OK so WHY have you let the crazy man drive you into the woods, Aaron? If nothing else, you brought your OWN car.
  13. For GOODNESS sake, so many jump-scares! Why?
  14. I’m going to have to turn the volume down.
  15. Everybody keeps screaming.
  16. Yeah OF COURSE Aaron is mad what did you EXPECT, you kept randomly jumping out at him like a 5-year-old! Albeit, a terrifying maniac killer creep 5-year-old.
  17. It’s kind of annoying me that all the jump-scares so far have just been this ‘creep’ man jumping out at the camera. There’ve been about 10 of them so far, and they make me jump every time, but it feels like a cheap scare.
  18. And now they’re lost in the woods.
  19. How many tropes is this film going to employ? I’m guessing all of them?
  20. Dude, he can’t be paying you enough for this.
  21. So they got back from the woods and it’s dark and Aaron says he wants to leave. This sounds like a fantastic idea. Yes. Leave, Aaron. Leave and never look back.
  22. Do not let Josef give you alcohol.
  23. Well you didn’t really take much convincing, did you? Maybe you deserve to die, Aaron.
  24. It is totally not going to be just ‘one drink’, it’s going to be multiple drinks and YOUR DEATH.
  25. Honestly, why would you enter the house with that fucking terrifying mask in it again? You just KNOW he’ll bring the mask out again.
  26. Oh God.
  27. The mask.
  28. Of fucking course.
  29. No don’t tell us.
  30. I don’t want to know.
  31. Please don’t tell us the terrible bad thing you did 4 years ago, Josef.
  32. I honestly feel like that godforsaken mask is gonna have even more screen time later.
  33. WELL OF COURSE Aaron can’t find his keys to leave.
  34. So now he has to stay OVERNIGHT.
  35. Fuck OFF Peach Fuzz.
  36. Aaron finds Josef’s phone ringing whilst he’s asleep and answers it. The woman on the other end of the phone calmly tells Aaron to leave. Which, to be honest, is the advice he needed like 2 fucking hours ago, but whatever. ‘Am I in danger?’ he asks the woman. DUDE, I think you already KNOW the answer to that. And if you don’t, I’ll say it again, you deserve to die.
  37. I feel a massive jump-scare coming on.
  38. Watching through my fingers.
  39. Where is Josef?
  40. WHAT IS THIS fucking horror hide and seek?
  41. No
  42. No no no
  43. Jesus fucking christ.
  44. That fucking mask
  45. Can fucking DIE
  46. THAT WAS SO SCARY
  47. is Aaron dead???
  48. Then who’s filming this?
  49. Yay, Aaron’s alive!
  50. I can’t deal with much more of this. Why is there still 30 minutes left of this film? Now Josef has sent Aaron a few creepy videos and now a box of stuff.
  51. Don’t open it.
  52. Don’t do it.
  53. He opens it (unsurprisingly) to find another video, a knife and a toy wolf. Along with a video saying to use the knife to ‘cut open’ the wolf to reveal a present.
  54. Literally what is it with this guy and wolves???
  55. Aaron throws everything away and proceeds to go to bed as normal that night. However, he’s woken by his terrifying dreams about Josef and the terrifying Halloween wolf mask. As he’s telling his camera about his dream, he’s startled by a loud crash and immediately jumps out of bed and turns all the lights on. Yes, lights are good, Aaron.
  56. Honestly, though, why was he even trying to sleep in the dark after all that shit that happened to him with Josef?
  57. UGH Josef’s hiding outside the front door but Aaron can’t see him ughhhh.
  58. Mega creeped out.
  59. I feel like this won’t end well for Aaron now. I was hopeful before, when he managed to escape the house.
  60. Also, who sleeps with their curtains open and bedroom door open when they have a massive front window and glass front door???

 

  1. Noooooooo – the camera suddenly flicked forwards to Josef watching Aaron sleep and cutting a lock of his hair off!
  2. How did he get in???
  3. Also, how is Aaron not awake right now?
  4. If someone shone a light in my face I’d wake up, let alone if someone cut my hair off??
  5. And a new video tape appears on Aaron’s bedroom window-sill in the morning, showing Aaron sleeping. ‘I promise you don’t have to be afraid of me at all’
  6. Says the man who admits he wants to do bad things to Aaron.
  7. And then invites Aaron to meet up with him in a park the next day to ‘say sorry’.
  8. Don’t go, Aaron.
  9. Don’t go.
  10. Of course he goes.
  11. There’s 8 minutes left and this is not going to end well.
  12. Well at least a pretty park overlooking a massive lake is a nice place to die?
  13. Oh God, he’s behind you! HE’S BEHIND YOU, AARON.
  14. What’s he getting out of his coat?
  15. AHA, of course it’s the axe from the beginning. Coulda seen that coming.
  16. The suspense is literally killing me.
  17. Ooh nice flourish of the flasher-mac, Josef.
  18. Tense tense tense.
  19. #sadface justice for Aaron.

 

 

2 comments

  1. I love this format! Would love to hear your thoughts on a classic teen movie (maybe Twilight?? or the old favourite Legally Blonde!)

    Liked by 1 person

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