At what point does history become history? The rise of the Blogging Elite was so subtle that absolutely nobody saw it coming, and now they’re all either dead or imprisoned and I’m being commissioned to write a book on the ‘history’ of Blogging, from the same publishing house that once handed out publishing deals to Influencers like candy. They sit on my desk now, looking at me with their gilded pages and soft-focus cover photographs, inviting me into their world of soft edges and seeming ease. These books can’t teach me anything. Back then, the nights only lasted 12 hours and the Internet was a free-for-all. The real sources come from the transcriptions of insider-events and diaries kept by the Small Bloggers – theirs is a history I can get on board with.
Tentatively, I start to compose an email to my editor. The thing is, this information I’ve discovered, I haven’t exactly sourced it legitimately. But I don’t want to tell him this, I realise. No. That’ll mean an instant dismissal and I’ll lose this livingworking officespace. And I really don’t want to go back to living at the university library. Too much mutter and clutter and darkness.
I’ll slide it under his door, it’s only the next corridor along from me. Yes. I’ll type up a copy of what I’ve found, slip it under the door and let HIM bring the information to me. He’d be stupid not to, I’m the only Blogging expert in the South West.
FROM Blogger’s Conference Speech, 2020, Brighton. Keynote speech given by Head Blogger, Elizah Zaffrey.
Hello and welcome to the Blogger’s Handbook Annual Speech. I’m here to guide you through the life of a blogger, making everything as easy as a matcha green skinny extra whipped latte on a marbled background on Sunday morning. If you don’t know what a matcha green skinny extra whipped latte is, don’t worry, nobody does, it’s just this, like, thing…anyway! Firstly, if you haven’t got more than 100000 followers and 5 brand deals with companies I’ve actually heard of, you don’t need to be here. You may leave, do not pass the photo booth on your way out and DO NOT collect your goodie bag. It isn’t for you, you’re not a Blogger. The same way that your hairdresser isn’t *actually* a hairdresser unless she does extra shifts for celebs on her days off. Your hair isn’t fancy enough to be ‘dressed’, the same way your blog isn’t bloggy enough to be a ‘Blog’ – do you hear what I’m saying?
Good. Please leave now.
Security, I believe you know which seats still need to be evacuated.
Where was I?
Now, hello and welcome to all the ACTUAL bloggers. Now, I’m going to start with the absolute basics, so you understand why I brushed off the riff-raff earlier with all that gibberish.
I presume you’re all familiar with the ancient saying:
Thou is obviously not in it for the FREE THNGS but thou hasn’t actually made it as a Blogger until thou receiveth thy First Free Thing.
This was first recorded as being said by Zosusella before time as we know it had been created. Although most people disagree over whether Zosusella was the property of Joe or Alfie, we can all agree that she was the First Blogger and this truth is at the very heart of the Blog Universe.
We need to protect the True Bloggers and nurture our culture, as it threatens to be wiped out by mere imitations. This is part of why we launched the Invitation Ceremony System last year, to limit the amount of new bloggers into the industry. There are 10 of you in the audience today, who received their Invitation to Blog last year, and you’ll be treated to your very own photoshoot later on today. I hope you’ve all brought your cameras! The rest of us, of course, shall be attending a Party with a Photobooth, Professional Photographer and Candid Ball Pit. Please feel free to mingle with everybody and don’t worry about silly little things like BloggerRatings here, I can guarantee you all rate higher than a 4.5, which is something to be *very* proud of.
FROM ‘The Handy Handbook For Bloggers’ by Anya Burff, pub. 2024
Always make sure you know where to locate your nearest picturesque street corner, as you never know when a Wild Candid will appear.
Check-in at your nearest Starbucks so other Bloggers know where to find you.
Only buy Marbled items from a verified BlueTick vendor – marble poachers are rife in the industry and buying unverified Marbled Items can lead to a Digivirus – always be aware, as a Digivirus may lead to being struck off the Bloggers Register.
EMAIL sent from BLOGHEADQUARTERS 23/08/25 at 06:21 as part of the BLOGGETIN DAILY (daily bulletin)
We regret to bring it to your attention that Blaxes are being increased this year, due to yet more YouTubers ranking at ratings over 4.8. We remind you all that there is no shame in a 4.5 rating, and also remind you that we are still accepting voluntary demotions in return for unlimited product credits. Please DM us your account details to be considered for the voluntary demotion scheme.
Please pay your Blaxes in full, either in cash, credit or promotional post pre-credit by the end of September. Thank you.
There’s a knock at my door. I wake with a start, knocking the books on my desk to the floor. I check the clock-face on my phone, it’s only 10am and is still pitch-black outside. I lumber to the door, knowing the dead leg is going to kick in any second, and peer through the peep-hole in the door. I’m surprised to see a Mazon delivery guy stood outside, looking just as bleary-eyed as I feel, rocking back and forth on his feet as if he might keel over any second. That’s another downside of the atmospheric crunch, ‘night’ shifts are now indeterminably longer than they ever used to be. I remind myself that I’m lucky to have a freelance job, with my own livingworking space and working my own hours.
I open the door and he nonchalantly holds out a letter before zapping me in the iris with no pre-amble whatsoever. He gives me a three-fingered salute before wobbling off down the corridor, and I slowly step back into my office, wondering who could have hired a Mazon courier just to deliver me a letter. I’m not expecting more Credit allowances for at least another fortnight.
I sit back down at my desk and furtively look around before opening the letter. I feel as if it’s a secret, though I’m not all too sure why. At first, I skip over the contents of the brief note to see who sent it, and I’m immediately disappointed.
Good effort dredging up the emails and speech transcript, but we need more positive sources. I appreciate your book is not a glowing report of the Blogger Dynasty, but we need to present a balanced, unbiased account. Perhaps look into the peaceful deposition of the monarchy resulting in Meghan Markle’s Aesthetic Leadership Campaign as that received astonishingly good press all over the Western World. Perhaps run some numbers and crunch some stats for an analysis on how the introduction of the Ratings system prevented a global financial crisis in 2020. It would be good if we could be the first to prove it scientifically.
P.S. I have no idea if you meant to be discreet, but I have access to the security cameras for Corridor 3A. Next time you wish to submit further source material for my approval, send a registered courier, as I’ve done here. I’ll reimburse you the credits. It looks better, should our company, or this book for that matter, ever become the subject of a Government investigation.