I pencilled this in as an easy thing to write for Blogtober, but I’ve been sat here staring at an empty screen for a while now! The truth is that I’m currently, mentally, in a rut right now. I do this frequently – every six months I move house or move job or move cities – basically move something big in my life! It’s currently 5 months since I moved to Cardiff and everything just feels so incredibly stale.
So, my job is ok, I’ve actually stuck with Waterstones for almost a full year now, although I obviously moved branches when I moved to Cardiff. I don’t hate my job, but it’s not something that excites me. I get bored at it easily and there’s never any tasks to get stuck into that involve actually using my brain. I’m now officially a Senior Bookseller (with a pay increase of an extra 30p an hour, yay how generous) and officially named as the Deputy Buyer for our store although I’m yet to start my training on that. I should be happier about these career advancements than I am, but I’m not sure they actually signal me moving any further forward with the company.
My social life is at an all-time low as the only person I’m friendly with in Cardiff is my house-mate, who’s only in the house one evening a week. I tried Tinder but I don’t want a relationship and so I’m kinda stuck there too. My current plan is to stay here until May and then move slightly further back up north to be around friends who will force me to be sociable if I ask them too. Also, northern bloggers seem to be in a much higher concentration than Welsh bloggers! I’m thinking Manchester at the moment. I do enjoy my own company, and my anxiety makes it hard to socialise anyway, but I keep remembering my uni days and how I had 2 social plans every night and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss that.
Good news? We need good news! My anti-depressants really seem to be working, although you wouldn’t guess it from this moan of a post! Since starting sertraline, and having my dose upped to the normal 100mg, I haven’t had a serious panic attack. I still experience panicky symptoms, but I can usually avoid them if I try. I’m also still paranoid, but I’m getting better at telling myself that people are not whispering about me or colluding against me. I’m not unhappy. Safe in my little cotton ball bubble, perhaps, but not unhappy. Which is an excellent improvement on this time last year.
Career-wise and looking to the future, I think I have a plan. I intend to apply for a Law conversion masters course to begin next September and for this to eventually lead to a career in international law or civil service. I’ve decided I need to harness my inability to stay in any one place longer than 6 months to a year and work towards a job that suits that lifestyle, where I’ll always be upping and leaving. The goals are the countries I’ve always wanted to live in – America, Russia and Australia. Perhaps when I get my masters applications in, I’ll feel like I’m moving forwards in life and this stale feeling will dissipate.
Sorry for the down-hearted nature of this post but I guess everyone needs to vent every now and then. I suppose my question to you guys is do you ever feel like this? And what do you do to feel vivacious and inspired again?
See you tomorrow for a much happier (hopefully) post! P.